Lost and Alone

Sometimes I get completely lost.

I have a thought in my head, it takes root, it digs itself into my mind and grows. It becomes a whole story. A real story. I can see it, feel it and experience it.

 

This happened yesterday. I feel quite alone when this happens. It looks as though no-one can really understand what I am going through.

 

Someone has upset me. They haven’t done what I thought they should. I plan ways to ‘make’ someone behave differently so I can feel better. I work out things to say that will change how I feel. For a moment I feel justified. This person has done me wrong.

 

I am lost in a thought storm and no-one can really help me.

 

And then another voice asks me if I really want to feel this way. Do I want to behave like this? Do I want to manipulate people in an effort to feel better? Do I want to live inside a head that gets lost down this rabbit hole?

 

And, honestly, I don’t.
Feeling better, feeling peaceful doesn’t come from changing other people’s behaviour – or attempting to – I have tried and failed at that many times before. It doesn’t come in the moments when I tell myself I am justified in being angry with someone – that feeling is like a bitter taste.

 

Last night, I sat with my thought storm for a while. I went down the rabbit hole a little way. It was dark and lonely.

 

Then I went after the other voice. The voice that points me back to where real peace lives. Being at peace comes from knowing that I am Peace.

 

In the moments when I was reaching out for peace last night the words “I don’t mind what happens” came to me. And I realised that the origin of this thought storm was my resistance to what is.

 

When I see that ‘minding’ what happens causes me distress and ‘not minding’ what happens is peaceful, I choose peaceful. I choose to be OK with what happens. Knowing that no matter what happens, Peace is always available to me.

 

When I close myself off to what is, when I resist and attempt to hold on to my story, who knows what I might be closing myself off from. When I ‘don’t mind what happens’ I am completely open to amazing new experiences.

 

 

Challenge accepted

Tomorrow will be day 59 on the Warriors journey. I haven’t been as committed to writing my blogs as I wanted to be.
The emails have been amazing and over the course of the last 2 months I have had some really unexpected moments, challenges, insights and ideas.

We have had a number of challenges which I haven’t taken part in as wholeheartedly as I would have liked. So, during the last month of the Warriors journey I am going to step up, take responsibility and accept the challenges.

A few weeks ago, my cousins 8-week old baby was really poorly – in hospital – she, and her husband, with in the hospital for a few days. Lu, Deb and I were having a conversation about what we could do for her. We wanted to do something kind, some that would be helpful after the trying days of her baby’s illness. Deb came up with the idea of going to clean their house and do some gardening for them. So, while they were still in hospital we snuck into their house, cleaned it and weeded their garden. It was great fun, we were like little elves on a secret mission. I absolutely love doing random acts of kindness like this and I really want to think of some more things I can do over the next few weeks.

Another of our challenges was to create something. Human beings are creative, we are the creative essence of the universe. I love being creative. I really enjoy gardening and so for this challenge I got to work in the garden. It is still a work in progress but I have made a really great start. I have potted 12 pots and 2 hanging baskets so far. I have tidied up plants and flowers from last year and I have started creating a new area of the garden as a flower bed. I enjoy the creation I am in progress with so much that in the evenings, even in the cold/rain, I sneak out the back door before bed to say goodnight to my plants 😊
As Warriors we are being invited to get to know ourselves. I would say this is something I have been doing for the last few years anyway. But I really love having a dedicated 90 days to do this too. As part of that, we have been reminded of the importance of a clear mind. Naturally, our challenge then was to do some clearing out. We have a large family bathroom in our house with a good size airing cupboard. We use this space to keep all of our clean bed sheets, towels and spare bedding. With 5 of us taking our sheets and towels from there and replenishing them whenever we do our washing it doesn’t take long before the cupboard becomes a little bit out of control. You know what I mean, having to throw something in and shut the door quickly before it all comes tumbling out! So, yesterday I spent some time removing everything from the cupboard, folding it neatly and arranging it properly back on the shelves. Oh, the bliss, when I close the door on a tidy, organised cupboard.

 

So, it turns out, I have done some of the challenges. I am keen to do more on this though. Our latest challenge is to record a short film ~ words of encouragement for our fellow Warriors!

I am aiming to be back on the ball with my blogging over the next few weeks too… 😊

Just one of my little potted creations:
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Ladder to nowhere

Today, Deb and I went out for a walk just after lunch. It is a beautiful day here and we absolutely love making the most of the weather and our gorgeous surroundings. Whilst out we hosted a Facebook live video*.

It was on the topic “What’s stopping you from ‘getting this’?” because a friend of mine had recently said she felt she had an ‘intellectual understanding’ of what we share. Something about that comment sparked something for me.

We were walking a route I had not been before, through some woods and fields that Deb had recently discovered. While we were walking (just after we had finished the video) we came across a random ladder, leaning up against a tree. One of those that you find on a beach, for a lifeguard to watch over the swimmers. It was chained to the tree and appeared sturdy. Naturally, I went up the ladder and sat in the seat to see what I could see. I could see fields, trees and cows. I couldn’t really work out what the purpose of the ladder and seat was. It didn’t appear that there was any reason for it to be there. Deb said she hadn’t noticed the ladder before.

It is funny what we see and what we don’t. It isn’t a place you would expect to find that kind of ladder and no obvious purpose for it being there. I notice how, when we aren’t expecting something to be a certain way, we seem to have the ability to create an experience where that ‘thing’ just doesn’t exist.

For Deb, that ladder did not exist. Until it did. Scenarios like that always make me a little suspicious about how things really work.

When my friend told me, she has an ‘intellectual understanding’ I was instantly curious that this was a thought created experience for her. I could see that thought, doing its job, was creating an experience of not really ‘getting it’.

Often, once we have a thought, we can find all the evidence we need to prove it to be true.

In this case, we have an expectation of what ‘getting it’ might look like, how we will feel and what might change for us when we do. If it doesn’t happen that way, which it often doesn’t, we confirm our story of not ‘getting it’ or ‘only getting it intellectually’.

For me, it feels quite simple. There isn’t anything to ‘get’. We are all already the peace, love, joy, wisdom and happiness we are looking for. You will have had moments where you know that – in whatever way you experience that – and feel that. And then you have a thought that tells you something different. Whatever that thought tells you will be your experience until you drop back into that quiet space, where you know the truth of who you are – Peace, Love, Wisdom, Joy, Happiness.

And from that space, there is no ‘intellect’ or ‘getting it’ – you just are ‘IT
Ladder

😊

*Unfortunately, the video didn’t record properly! Oh, how life does it’s thing!

Take my life and let it be….

My Nan passed away last week. She was 89 years old.

I heard a few people say “she had good innings” and a few other of the cliché things we like to say.
What else can we say? It is sad, but natural. I am both grieving and relieved. My judgement for the last few years was that her ‘quality of life’ wasn’t ideal. Though who made me judge of some else’s life I don’t know! But that is what we do isn’t it?

We look at someone else’s situation and say “Yes, I would be happy there” or “No, that wouldn’t make me happy”

Along with some other members of the family, I was with my Nan in her last few days. And I can honestly say there was a really peaceful space in the house over those days. I had a few moments alone with my nan during those few days, and for those moment I was reminded of the words that I shared in a blog a few weeks ago – we don’t experience death, we experience life. And I could really see that in my Nan – even in her bed, dozing in and out of sleep, she wasn’t experiencing death or even dying – it was another life experience.

And the saying ‘she had good innings’ meant something more to me then – it was someone else’s way of saying she experienced life.

Over the few days after her passing, we were making some arrangements for the funeral service. My nan had chosen a hymn, that she used to sing at church, called ‘Take my life and let it be’.
The first line is ‘Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to Thee’
It was one of my favourite hymns when I attended church. It speaks of a life dedicated to, and sacred with God.

Since first being told about these ‘principles’ – Mind; the principle of a universal energy behind life – has stood out for me. When I first left the church the thing that bothered me most was ‘giving up’ my relationship with God.

What I am constantly reminded of, when I share the principles, when I write blogs, when I sit holding my Nan’s hand in the last hours of her life, when I think about singing one of my favourite hymns at her funeral, what I am reminded of is that it is not possible to ‘give up’ my relationship with God. Even if I wanted to.

In the words of the hymn ‘take my life and let it be sacred (consecrated) Lord to thee’ of course my life is, always has been and always will be sacred with God.

I have heard others say that being with someone toward the end of their life can be a beautiful and peaceful experience. A few years ago, I would have thought that to be ‘spiritual clap-trap’ – the kind of stuff that ‘enlightened masters’ say to put the rest of us mere mortals in our place. And maybe it is. But it can also be quite true. Another of life’s incredible experiences.

For the 35 years that Nan got to be my Nan and I got to be her grand-daughter, she really did experience life and I can only imagine that the previous 54 years were just as much of an experience – if some of her photos and memories we found in her bogey hole (her words for the cupboard under the stairs!) are anything to go by!

“Take myself, and I will be, Ever, only, all for Thee”

IMG-20161225-WA0009
Christmas 2016 

Me

Yesterday, I was in conversation with a friend and he asked me “what is it about you that makes you ‘you’?”

What a great question!
We went off at a tangent and I never got to answer. But I felt moved to sit with it and share.

I am Beccy Sheffield. I am unique. There is only one of me in the world.

I love pizza and chocolate. I get addicted to TV shows. I fall in love, a lot. I am funny (in my own opinion!). I am good at writing. I sing to myself, about whatever is happening, when no-one is around. I love lists and spreadsheets. I cannot go into a stationery shop without buying something. My hair drives me insane. I am photogenic and love posing for a camera. I drink tea and water – sometimes at the same time. I have 7 notebooks in my bedside table – they all have their own reason for being there. I write poems but never share them. February is my favourite month (except in a leap year!). I collect thimbles and absolutely love all 756 of them. My favourite ride at an amusement park is the Pirate Ship. I would love to own a second hand book shop. My spirit animal is a tortoise – slow and steady. Trees amaze me! I like the colour blue.
But none of this is what makes me, me. Why? Because when I try to connect with which of these things is the absolutely essence of who I am, when I try to summarise ‘me’ in one statement, it can’t be done. I am all of those things and none of those things.

I am me and not me. I am you and not you. I am and then I’m not.

What makes me, me? Nothing and everything!

The OA

I have just finished watching Season 2 of ‘The OA’.
Without wanting to spoil it for anyone, The OA is a brilliant Netflix series (the first thing I ever watched on Netflix and nothing else has ever quite matched up!).

There are many things that happen throughout both series that resonate with how I see life. I am not sure if the writers hold any belief in what they write or not – it is about different dimensions and being able to travel between dimensions and I am not sure if that is really quite how life works – but I am open minded and have a fancy that there is something like that going on in life…. I’ll let you know if I ever find myself in another dimension!
But what really came to me, whilst watching the season finale tonight, as it drew to a close and the storylines started to make some sense (though naturally they also left a fair bit un-finished ready for another season!) was how closed minded we can be.

Our Warrior email yesterday was all about how knowing the truth of who I am changes things. It gives us a place to go to when we get overwhelmed or lost. For me, it has also opened my mind far beyond anything I had ever considered in life, before the principles. There is a theory that we only use a very small percentage of our brains. I have no idea how true this is. I think we are way less aware of how life really works than we realise we are.

Knowing that there is a deeper truth to life, to me, to this universe has meant that I don’t experience fear in the way I used. A still small voice comes to me when I have fearful thoughts and reminds me how my experience is created. I still get a fantastically fearful experience but beyond that I know I am OK. I know I don’t need to control my experience or anyone else’s. Seeing that I am a part of something bigger creates a space of pure peace in the midst of all and any experiences I have.

And yet I still see how closed minded I can be to life! I love being a part of this conversation because I can see how my mind opens and blossoms in the midst of it.

We are a third of the way in to the Warrior’s Journey now and over the next week I want to review the challenges we have had and where I am with each of them. I feel there is more calling to me on the challenges and I can see how changes and insights happen in a space where we take Warrior courage to step up and embrace our challenges. I must confess I don’t feel as though I have been as committed as I would have liked with these so far. I am making a commitment to change that from today. Watch this space for news…!

Listen to the Silence

I had an amazing dream last night. I was with an old friend. Someone I haven’t seen for many years. We were having a beautiful conversation – partly written, partly spoken. I was listening from my heart. I was hearing some things I needed to hear. I woke up smiling.

As I sit reflecting on the dream this morning, it has mostly disappeared. I cannot recall who I was talking to – only that it meant something to me. And then it occurred to me that all characters in a dream are me of course. No other person (as far as I can tell) can really turn up in my dream. It is all my own thoughts creating the moments.

I clearly needed to spend some time listening to me.

Our Warrior email yesterday was all about silence. Today our challenge was about listening. How fitting.

It is amazing what we hear when we really listen. I notice sometimes how I am listening with half an ear. Waiting to for the moment I can talk. The moment I get to say my piece. I listen ready for what I can add to the proceedings.

So, challenge accepted. I am here. I have two ears. And I ready to listen. What does the universe have to share with me today?

There is a passage in the bible that talks about the ‘armour of God’. Being a Warrior, armour comes to mind. And it is a passage I am kind of familiar with. (Aside, I once had Sunday school children dressing up a dress-makers doll in foil to represent the armour of God 😊)

The passage goes like this;

Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Ephesians 6 v 14-17

I highlighted, in bold, the words that jump out at me.

The metaphor of putting on armour points out to me that as a Warrior these are the things we have available to us all the time.

We all have Truth inside us. We are truth. We are the entire essence of the universe, God, life and everything.

Righteousness I see as our space of Balance. Our knowing right from wrong, our knowing when we need to step up and take responsibility and when we need to walk away.

Being prepared with (the good news of) Peace. The more I see that peace comes from within me, the more I am able to step into anything feeling at peace. I feel prepared to be at peace.

Faith is one of my favourite words. There is another amazing bible verse (1 Corinthians 13 – And now these three remain: faith, hope and love) which talks of faith being coupled with hope and love. Faith is knowing things we cannot see or evidence. For me, that is the knowing of the deeper truth of who I am.

Salvation. This was a tough one for me for a long time. I used to think I needed saving. I really see now that our ‘salvation’ is in the understanding of how life really works. In knowing how our thoughts create our life. Seeing that the ego, the body, the life will always pass. The essence of who we are, the energy of the universe, can never pass away. Knowing this, seeing this, living this, that is salvation!

Spirit feels to me like our wisdom. We are God. So the word of God is our wisdom as well as the wisdom of all things. I hear wisdom in so many places, unexpected places as well as the obvious places.

This Warrior is dressed in the armour of God. How could I not be? I am God