Sometimes I get completely lost.
I have a thought in my head, it takes root, it digs itself into my mind and grows. It becomes a whole story. A real story. I can see it, feel it and experience it.
This happened yesterday. I feel quite alone when this happens. It looks as though no-one can really understand what I am going through.
Someone has upset me. They haven’t done what I thought they should. I plan ways to ‘make’ someone behave differently so I can feel better. I work out things to say that will change how I feel. For a moment I feel justified. This person has done me wrong.
I am lost in a thought storm and no-one can really help me.
And then another voice asks me if I really want to feel this way. Do I want to behave like this? Do I want to manipulate people in an effort to feel better? Do I want to live inside a head that gets lost down this rabbit hole?
And, honestly, I don’t.
Feeling better, feeling peaceful doesn’t come from changing other people’s behaviour – or attempting to – I have tried and failed at that many times before. It doesn’t come in the moments when I tell myself I am justified in being angry with someone – that feeling is like a bitter taste.
Last night, I sat with my thought storm for a while. I went down the rabbit hole a little way. It was dark and lonely.
Then I went after the other voice. The voice that points me back to where real peace lives. Being at peace comes from knowing that I am Peace.
In the moments when I was reaching out for peace last night the words “I don’t mind what happens” came to me. And I realised that the origin of this thought storm was my resistance to what is.
When I see that ‘minding’ what happens causes me distress and ‘not minding’ what happens is peaceful, I choose peaceful. I choose to be OK with what happens. Knowing that no matter what happens, Peace is always available to me.
When I close myself off to what is, when I resist and attempt to hold on to my story, who knows what I might be closing myself off from. When I ‘don’t mind what happens’ I am completely open to amazing new experiences.