When I got baptised into the church community I received a gift.It was, and still is, a very treasured gift.
Whilst I was at church I absolutely loved studying the Bible. It was fairly intellectual study. I enjoyed finding the places in the Bible that connected – I had a colour code system, it was lots of fun and really appealed to the geek in me!
The gift I received was a little display stand, that held cards, each with a short, beautiful bible verse.
This gift really spoke to the more spiritual space of love within me. I didn’t know that at the time but can see it now.
These days I am much more interested in the spiritual essence of what Jesus was pointing to. The same understanding of how life really works that I share. Thought I suspect Jesus made a much better display of his understanding than I do 😉
A few days ago, I was looking through the quotes in my little display stand… There are so many I love, and this one jumped out at me …
“God is faithful, he will not let you be tested beyond what you can bear. But when you are tested, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it”
It jumped out at me because, to tell the truth, I feel like I have been tested recently. Beyond what I would choose to bear.
There are lots of things I miss; I miss being able to spend time with Andrew, I miss seeing my family – my nieces and nephews are growing up and changing every day, I miss going to the sea for a breath of air, I miss going to restaurants, I miss face to face events, I miss driving my car on a motorway, I miss wandering aimlessly around shops, I miss my nans Sunday roast. The list really does go on!
I feel aggrieved that I am not ‘allowed’ to do the things I would choose to do. And over the last few weeks, I have torn my heart out questioning whether I will just drive to see Andrew regardless, because I can’t put words on how much I miss him.
I have been tested, because the truth is I don’t know what is right – is it to stay home and give up every inch of my freedom in a bid to save lives or is it to gently, quietly encourage the world to move away from this lockdown?
I have been tested because I want to rebel and I can justify my reasons why, but the truth is they are mostly personal and really little to do with anyone but me.
I have been tested because I feel like I want to shout from the rooftops that what I share is far more helpful than all of the ‘measures’ that are in place. But the truth is I am too scared.
I have been tested because I believe my relationship with Andrew is strong enough to survive some time apart but I can drive myself insane with stories of how this could break us. And of course, the truth is I don’t want that.
I have been tested. And I have no doubt that you have too.
I am humbled. Because I have been tested and God provided me a way to stand up under it…
God gave me, me
I am stronger than I realise, stronger than I give myself credit for, I am perfectly whole and complete, I am peace.
I am love.
And I cannot be tested beyond what I can bear….