I have been tested 

When I got baptised into the church community I received a gift.It was, and still is, a very treasured gift. 
Whilst I was at church I absolutely loved studying the Bible. It was fairly intellectual study. I enjoyed finding the places in the Bible that connected – I had a colour code system, it was lots of fun and really appealed to the geek in me!

The gift I received was a little display stand, that held cards, each with a short, beautiful bible verse.

This gift really spoke to the more spiritual space of love within me. I didn’t know that at the time but can see it now.
These days I am much more interested in the spiritual essence of what Jesus was pointing to. The same understanding of how life really works that I share. Thought I suspect Jesus made a much better display of his understanding than I do 😉
A few days ago, I was looking through the quotes in my little display stand… There are so many I love, and this one jumped out at me …
“God is faithful, he will not let you be tested beyond what you can bear. But when you are tested, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it”
It jumped out at me because, to tell the truth, I feel like I have been tested recently. Beyond what I would choose to bear. 
There are lots of things I miss; I miss being able to spend time with Andrew, I miss seeing my family – my nieces and nephews are growing up and changing every day, I miss going to the sea for a breath of air, I miss going to restaurants, I miss face to face events, I miss driving my car on a motorway, I miss wandering aimlessly around shops, I miss my nans Sunday roast. The list really does go on!
I feel aggrieved that I am not ‘allowed’ to do the things I would choose to do. And over the last few weeks, I have torn my heart out questioning whether I will just drive to see Andrew regardless, because I can’t put words on how much I miss him.
I have been tested, because the truth is I don’t know what is right – is it to stay home and give up every inch of my freedom in a bid to save lives or is it to gently, quietly encourage the world to move away from this lockdown? 

I have been tested because I want to rebel and I can justify my reasons why, but the truth is they are mostly personal and really little to do with anyone but me.

I have been tested because I feel like I want to shout from the rooftops that what I share is far more helpful than all of the ‘measures’ that are in place. But the truth is I am too scared.

I have been tested because I believe my relationship with Andrew is strong enough to survive some time apart but I can drive myself insane with stories of how this could break us. And of course, the truth is I don’t want that.
I have been tested. And I have no doubt that you have too. 
I am humbled. Because I have been tested and God provided me a way to stand up under it…

Me

God gave me, me
I am stronger than I realise, stronger than I give myself credit for, I am perfectly whole and complete, I am peace.
I am love.

And I cannot be tested beyond what I can bear….

The show must go on

I have had the song “the show must go on” (from Moulin Rouge) in my head all day…
And it feels so true. I have really noticed in the last few weeks how many things are just carrying on. Regardless of the mayhem that humans seem to be in, there are many things carrying on as normal.

Over the last few weeks, spring has really sprung. There are daffodils in all of the hedgerows, lambs in the fields, lighter evenings and a crisp clean feel to the air.

The seasons don’t seem to mind that we have a virus.

The world is still turning, the sun has risen and set every day since the breakout. The sun doesn’t seem concerned about being out.

I am still doing my washing; I get dressed in clean clothes each day and after a few days I have washing to do. I have been washing my clothes and hanging them to dry – the sun and wind seem quite content to dry my laundry.

I have been making cups of tea, feeling hungry and making meals in no different a manner to any other time in my life. My body has no fear about not being fed and watered, it just sends me the signals to remind me, ignorant of whether I have panic bought enough food or not!

I go to bed, fall asleep and wake up when my alarm goes off. I get up and do the jobs I have in mind to do. I find new things to do that I hadn’t thought of a few days ago. I even avoid doing some of the things I probably should be doing (the ironing for example!!). I notice me doing this sometimes as though for a moment I have forgotten the worldwide crisis.

I watch nature doing what it does.
I notice me doing what I do.
I see others doing what they do.

We are nature and, more often than not, humans find a way to carry on. It takes more energy to maintain the panic, crisis thinking than it does to allow things to move forward.

This may be a new normal, but the show WILL go on, how can it not?

It’s time

Let’s put all our differences aside

It’s time. To put all of our differences aside.

Are you black or white? Gay or straight? Christian or Muslim?

Were you one of the people who panic bought toilet rolls or are you the person left with so little you wish you were?

Were you the first person to isolate or are you still going out while you can?

Does the idea of isolation fill you with panic or are you the one who is excited to finally get some quiet time?

 

Whoever you are, whichever of the above feels like your label, it’s time.

Time to put all of our differences aside.

 

Whether you believe this is a time for the world to heal. Whether it looks to you like this is another world catastrophe – inexplicable, but nothing extraordinary.

Whatever your language, nationality, race, sexual orientation, beliefs and feelings about what is happening (or not happening!). Now is the time.

 

It is the time to see where we are all the same.

It is the time to look to see how we are the same energy.

We are the same energy as each other.

The same energy that creates excitement at the prospect of having some ‘time out’ also creates the fear in those of us who are frightened.

 

It is also the same energy that created this virus.

It is also the energy that will heal what is happening – the panic, fear, chaos and yes even the virus.

 

We are, by our nature, self healing

The world is, by its nature, self healing.

 

Whatever steps your wisdom has guided you to take, know this..

This planet will heal, human beings will heal, and all it takes is the remembering that we are all the same …

 

Happy healing time xx

Am I with the right person?

Last week, on our YouTube show Deb and I answered the question “Am I with the right person?”
(You can watch it here if you missed it:

During the show, as part of my answer I said something along the lines of being able to JUST BE with people; any people, any time.

The next day I had a follow up question from someone who had watched the show

“You said you can just be with people. How does love and a sexual relationship come into that?”

It inspired me to write a blog…

The first thing that came to me to say, or to reiterate ~ as this was the part I was trying to get across in the show ~ is this…

I can just BE with myself. This is the biggest thing that changed for me in this conversation. I used to ‘need’ people, and their approval, to feel ok.

When I said I can just be with people, for me that comes from being truly OK with myself first.

It means I have a clear headspace of knowing, absolutely truly knowing, that I do not need anything from another person ~ being with another person is entirely unconditional.

Any person, in any scenario…..from the person at the checkout counter all the way to my nearest and dearest.

Of course, I have my moments (quite a few of them actually!) where I feel annoyed with someone, where I notice I have conditions on them and so on. But what I see is that the more I play in this conversation the less often I take that seriously and I can just BE with that person.

 

In response to ‘how does love and a sexual relationship come into that?’

I played around with this one for a while in my head, this is what went on…

So, understanding what I do, can I be with anyone? Absolutely anyone?

OK picture a person you really don’t like …. You could be with them?
You could love them, sleep with them, share your everyday with them?

Gulp…. Really? This is what understanding thought means, that I could sleep with anyone? Share my life with anyone? Even that person….!

This really tested me.

And eventually, after some soul searching the answer came back…

Yes.
If I had to I could ~ I could find my OK-ness, my innate peace and wellbeing ~ even here.

But this is where the fun part comes in….

As of right now, I don’t HAVE to be with anyone. I am in the fortunate position that I get to choose who I am with, in a romantic, intimate ‘Love and Sex’ type of relationship.

And while it is that I get that choose, I make the most of it and I choose my partner.

 

For a while, I toyed around in my mind with the idea of whether I could have an open relationship….
Did I want to be able to sleep with anyone, if I wanted to, when I wanted to?
And my partner the same?

Understanding that thought creates our experience tells me that, yes I could have a relationship like that. I could be ok in that scenario. I can find my ok-ness no matter what.

 

But, again, here comes the fun part.
I don’t have to do any of those things if I don’t want to. The joy of understanding thought is that I get to go along with the thoughts I like, and I can ignore the ones I don’t like.
And, as it happens, I like the thought of monogamy.

I like knowing that my partner is the only one I am intimate with and that we have an agreement that this is the case. If either of us feels differently about this at some point, hopefully we respect each other enough to be honest and open about it.
The beauty of understanding thought creates my reality, and being truly at peace with myself, is that I get to create a life I love.

And the life I love is one with my partner, being sexually faithful and deeply in love (with myself first, of course!)

Floating in Heaven

I am drinking a very green drink, a sort of smoothie, made of cucumber, apple, lime and coconut. It tastes amazing. If I lived closer to this cafe I would drink one again for sure.

I have just been floating. In a flotation tank. Also known as a sensory deprivation tank.
It has been on my ETDL for some time and today was finally the day.

I didn’t know exactly what to expect and I was a little unsure. Lu, Deb and I all had a turn, but I went first.

It was an amazing, unusual and interesting experience. The lady who showed me into the room gave me lots of information

“Shower first, turn the light off here, then the music plays for 10 minutes. You can switch the blue light or the star lights, on and off, here. Put ear plugs in to keep the water out. Don’t touch your eyes, the salt water will sting. The music will play again when you have 5 minutes left. Shower again afterwards.”

I leant my head into the flotation cubicle and instantly my glasses steamed up. So, I was going to be warm enough then.

I showered, turned off the main light and stepped into the warm water. I lay down, stretched out, wiggled around, consciously didn’t touch my eyes. I played with the light switches and got comfortable. It was very warm. The feeling of floating was surreal. I hadn’t ever realised how instinctively my body moves to stay afloat. I didn’t need to do that in here, I was being held by the water.

I had forgotten my ear plugs and I lost myself for a moment in a panic… Would I ruin the experience if I got out quickly and found them. Or would I enjoy it as much if I couldn’t relax in case I got too much water in my ears. I sat up, jumped out, found my ear plugs, squished them in and got back in the warm.

I left only the star lights on. I closed my eyes and let my senses fall away. I felt like I was moving around, swishing to the left and floating back to the right. I opened my eyes, I had barely moved! The senses certainly didn’t know quite what to make of it.

I noticed my shoulders and neck were a little unsure whether they could relax or not.

I kept my eyes closed as much as I could. The music stopped. I tried to guess whether 5 or 45 minutes had passed. My mind wandered and I didn’t stop it. I opened my eyes and the stars blinked at me…. I was floating in heaven.

I took in a deep breath and felt the water holding me, like a deep soft mattress. No effort required, it was all done for me. My body shifted into relax mode… I felt my breathing change and I thought “oh this must be the 40 minute mark, the brochure says that is often the time the body drops into relax mode” and the music started up again.

“Oh, I guess it took my body a little longer to drop into that mode”

I did feel relaxed afterward and felt compelled to drink something refreshing and natural. Fortunately, the cafe across the road had just the thing…

And that is how I find myself drinking cucumber, apple, lime and coconut….

I plan to go again and see how the experience differs the second time. And perhaps I’ll have another ‘green’ drink 😀

What do I have to give?

Last night I fell asleep with the thought “I don’t have anything to give” running through my head…

I could feel the story coming to life through me (though I wouldn’t have described it that way last night)

“Deb is the founder of the business, she is the one that really knows her stuff and i just mimic her”

“Lucy is coming alive through her writing and has really found her feet”

“I’m the imposter here. I have nothing new to give”

Today, I felt grumpy. Not in the mood. Ready to give up. We had an unexpected issue with money. And a payment that hadn’t been received yet. The story was really taking shape….

“I can’t even get money, spreadsheets and being organised, right anymore and that was the one thing I could maybe bring to the table”

“I need to find my inspiration, my passion, my ok-ness. I need to get my pizazz back. It’s not right to feel low when everyone else (Deb and Lu!) is flying high”

Only a week or so ago I was exuberant, coasting on the love, peace and joy I had felt at the conference. I had seen, again, how little there is for us to do and how much I can trust.

Today, it all felt like bullshit. I couldn’t trust anything – a payment was late, the banking had gone wrong, I wanted to go back to bed.

How quickly that knowing appeared to be gone.

I was due to speak to Fredrik in the afternoon. I nearly cancelled, because, really, what could I possibly say that he would want to hear.

I didnt… Some quiet voice said “stay with it”
After some conversations we had whilst I was on Sweden I had felt some insight, some shifts happening for me around a “blindspot” – when we arranged the call I had really wanted to share it with him.

Today, I felt like there was no insight. When we started talking I kept thinking “please don’t remember that I wanted to share my insight”

And then I heard myself say “so, this is what has been happening for me…” And by the time I had finished I realised not only had I had a huge shift in something that has been so blind to me, but that a situation over the weekend I had labelled as “negative” was actually all part of the shift that is happening through me.

When in Sweden, I had shared with Fred that it looks to me like if we take one step in the direction of our biggest fear, our biggest blindspot, the universe comes to meet us…

And, boy, did it do that and I hadn’t even seen it until I was saying that words out loud!

At the beginning of today it looked to me like trust could be lost, it was quite a compelling drama that I was involved in. One that no other person would understand. It was me against the world. And the world was tough.

And in a fraction of a second I saw how friendly the universe is. I don’t know exactly what is shifting for me, but something is…

And I have so much to give!!!!

Thought, The Gift

Oh….my….gosh!

I just heard it, like new, for the first time. I have not long come of a webinar with two of the lovely people who are going to be speaking at our conference in November ~ Maria and Ash.

It was such an amazing conversation. And, I heard something completely new. The same thing I have probably heard a thousand times, if not more, whilst being in this conversation. Something I must have said a billion times, if not more, when I have shared the principles out in the world.

And yet, it smacked me in the face, brand new again today! I love how insight can do that.

We are being lived. There is an energy that moves through us and life happens. Squirrels collect their nuts. Birds migrate. Babies learn to sit up. Life happens. And life knows how to happen. There is an intelligence to life that brings these things about that is beyond what our personal intellect can understand.

And yet our personal intellect is also a part of it. Our personal thoughts, intellect and experiences are that same intelligence behind all the magic and beauty of life.

Thought is a gift.

It is a beautiful, creative, energetic, magnificent gift.

Without personal thought I wouldn’t have had any of the incredible experiences I have had. It is only the misuse of that gift, the misunderstanding of personal thought that allows me to have beliefs, ideas and experiences that I label as negative. And even these are a gift!
The energy that moves through us, that we often and most easily identify as thought, does its job. And even when there is no content to that energy, when we cannot readily see that energy as a specific thought, it does its job. It creates our experience. It gifts us with the most all-encompassing moment.

 

In the knowing of this, in the seeing of the nature of thought, all of those moments are a gift. All of those moments can be experienced fully, in faith, hope and love.

There is no detriment to our True Nature.

Nothing can be added and nothing can be taken away.

Nothings changed, everything is different

I have noticed a number of things recently that just aren’t there for me anymore…. My fear of dogs, my obsessive need for lists, my hyper-organised need to have my outfits ready for the next day and so on. And it occurred to me to write a blog about it!

A couple of nights ago, just as I was getting into bed I heard a voice in my head “you haven’t sorted out the clothes you are going to wear tomorrow!” and I laughed out loud.

It struck me, when that thought came into my head, that it has been a long time since I sorted out my outfit for tomorrow. It is rare that I even try to second guess what clothes I might need to wear before I need to wear them.

And so I reflected on why that is.

I cant remember when I first started organising my clothes for the next day. I hadn’t always done it, but for a significant period in my life I wouldn’t go to bed without ensuring I had a fully organised outfit for the next day.

I used to be so lost inside my own head. Believing every thought that came into it, taking those thoughts as truth. And I had a LOT of thoughts.

I was very concerned with trying to control all of the things outside of my control (so, basically, everything) that I would feel the need to plan, plan and plan to the nth degree. I couldn’t settle to sleep if I hadn’t got an outfit ready for tomorrow. It was as though if I left clothes in the wardrobe until tomorrow, they might not be there, and I would have to go to work naked? I mean, it looks ludicrous now.

But, back then, my head was so full of tasks and responsibilities WAYYYYYY beyond what was actually mine to do, that I had to do any little thing that I could to manage it all.

And, ensuring that my clothes weren’t whisked away by magical wardrobe fairies was just one of a bazillion things I did to try to feel OK.

It surprises me now when I occasionally do think ahead ~ like packing for a holiday. It surprises me because it isn’t coming from a place of attempting to control but rather a comfortably practical place.

I don’t know when it was that I stopped getting my clothes ready the night before. I don’t remember a specific day when I thought “What shall I wear tomorrow? Oh, I will just decide tomorrow”

I just noticed that I wasn’t doing it ~ when the thought came the other night ~ and I didn’t take it seriously.
I used to be obsessive about having lists. Now, don’t get the wrong impression, I still adore a good, old-fashioned, get out the pen and paper, list! But now it isn’t coming from an unhealthy, obsessive place anymore. Like with the clothes, it was a control thing. If I had enough lists nothing would get forgotten, nothing could fall apart and the world would keep turning ~ as if the turning of the world was all down to me of course!

I couldn’t so much as go to the shop, or away from home for one night, without a list of what I needed. I did not trust myself (or, more importantly, the universe) to remember the things I needed.

Again, I don’t know when this stopped being such a compulsive thing for me. I just started noticing that I was leaving the house, with a packed suitcase and I hadn’t written a list. When I do use a list now, like when I was going away for 10 days camping and kinda wanted to remember the essential stuff, it doesn’t come with the same feeling it used to. It isn’t a desperate need to keep things in control. Now, its simply a useful tool, and if something gets forgotten I can trust that is OK anyway.

 

A few times over the last couple of weeks I have talked about having a fear of dogs. This used to be so huge for me. I would feel sick with nerves, sweat uncontrollably and my brain would turn to mush whenever I had to be near a dog. I had coping techniques aplenty ~ hiding in the bathroom or crossing over to the other side of the road to avoid and many more besides.

This just isn’t my experience of life anymore. At all. Dogs don’t worry me, I even quite like them (sometimes, and especially if they are cute!)


Where have these things gone? How can I not be afraid of dogs anymore, or need to make sure I have my clothes ready for tomorrow, just in case or require a list if I am going somewhere lest something be forgotten? How did they disappear?

I didn’t set about to change these things about myself. When I first started to understand how life works, I had way more important things to resolve in my life than these apparently minor things. It continues to amaze me what drops away when we really get to know ourselves. When we start to understand that we are the entire creative intelligence of the universe. When I started to trust life I stopped having to rely entirely on my own intellect ~ I didn’t need to hide from dogs, I could forget to pack something and I would be OK, I could choose my clothes as I was putting them on.

And life just becomes more fun, more liveable, easier and lighter. I wonder what else has disappeared that I haven’t even noticed!

Minimalistic

I wouldn’t say I am a minimalistic person.  I have a lot of ‘stuff’. I am a collector. Every time I move house, which is more regularly than I think I should, I have a good clear out and try to minimalise.

On Friday, Andrew and I took to the motorbike and went camping for a night in Shropshire. If you have ever been camping, and are anything like me, you try to pack everything including the kitchen sink (or at least a bowl for washing up!)…..you know ‘just in case’!

So, of course, our first challenge was to fit everything we might need into three (suddenly, very small looking, pannier boxes) – yikes. I seem to have a bit of a talent for being able to pack efficiently – I have a small-ish car and a mind that likes jigsaw puzzles 😊 This was to be my biggest challenge yet!

We sorted out the absolute essentials from the “good to have” items and set to work.
One tent
Two rolls mats
Two sleeping bags
Two self-inflating pillows
Mini camping stove
Small bag of clean underwear
Tinned food & tin opener
Sporks
Tea, coffee and sugar
And finally, tarpaulin 😊

With a little wiggling and jiggling we got it all in and we were off!

When we arrived, we set up our camping area – complete with a little shaded garden – the weather was incredibly hot! And over the course of the 24ish hours we were camping, we made use of every item we had packed and even used some items for multi-purposes. My thick, riding socks doubled up as both ‘over’ gloves and bed socks 😉

It occurred to me, as we were sitting under the shade of the carefully crafted tarpaulin garden, that we had everything we needed. It is surprising how many things we own in life that we can simply manage without. Don’t get me wrong, the nomadic lifestyle isn’t calling to me just yet, but I could really see how three boxes contained all I really needed in that moment. A

At one point, our camping stove appeared to not be lighting – it had an ignition button so didn’t require matches and we hadn’t packed any. For a moment or two I was a little panicked – what if it didn’t light, we wouldn’t have any dinner!!! It did light, and I was reminded again how we had all we need. And if it hadn’t have worked – well Bishops Castle was full of cafes, a shop and a pub!!

This morning, I went to my Mums talk that she hosts and it was entitled “Wanting and Needing – the power of words”. I thought the timing of that couldn’t have been better!

And if all that wasn’t amazing enough….. I was able to scratch off another county on my Scratch map.

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Hovercraft

I can finally tick off “Hovercraft” from my ETDL – https://beccywarrior.wordpress.com/etdl-list/

Last weekend, my dad, my grandparents, Andrew and I had a weekend in Portsmouth. It had been planned for some time, with the intention to go on the hovercraft to the Isle of Wight.

When I first wrote my ETDL, it’s intention wasn’t to be just a tick list of things I would achieve in my lifetime. It is hugely about having a life I love, creating memories and stepping out into the world to have adventures!

And the hovercraft was no exception. It gave our family an excuse to be together, to spend time in each other’s company, to eat together, laugh together and – in this case – get sunburnt together!
I love how, when we show up even a small amount, the universe just crafts life for us. An idea to have a ten-minute hovercraft ride, evolved into a whole weekend of fun!

The hovercraft journey itself was fun – they are such smart boats. Very fast. And a weird experience when the inflatable element inflates or deflates! But beyond that, the opportunity to hang out with some of my nearest and dearest was lovely.

On the Friday night, we had fish and chips by the sea – an unexpectedly entertaining evening when one of the waiters dropped two huge bowls of mussels all over the floor just as he was about to serve them to his customers!!

On the Saturday, our day on the Isle of Wight was glorious. We had incredible weather (and really should have packed the suncream). The train journey was extremely bumpy, nothing like the smooth trains on the Virgin line! We chose a beautiful spot for lunch. There was a yacht race around the Isle of Wight, so our view out across the horizon was spectacularly lined with yachts.  We played crazy golf – which was indeed crazy – and very hot. Afterwards Grandad treated us all to well-earned ice cream. As an avid thimble collector I was thrilled to find 4 thimbles in just one day 😊

Our last little adventure was trying to find a way to get the, now quite worn out, grandparents up the very steep hill back to the train station in order to get back to the Hovercraft in time. We just could not make head nor tail of the bus timetable! …… it seemed to imply there was a bus due in 2 minutes…… The grandparents were resting on a bench…. I could see no sign of a bus.
WAIT – I see the bus, quick…. Andrew stall the bus driver while I grab the grandparents…..!!!
We just about made it. Thankfully the bus driver was quite happy to wait for the grandparents to plod along to the stop 😊

And of course, we had to finish the day with takeaway back at our AirBnB.

It seems to me that somehow understanding the nature of thought has sprinkled all of my experiences with a magic fairy dust and I have far more fun, more adventures and am able to take the ‘challenges’ with an ease and lightness I did not used to experience.

Here’s to the next adventure….